If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
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