I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Life is so much better after having sex.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
