we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
