hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
