Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
