oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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