i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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