So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
