Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
