remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
