turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The uberlube is also flammable
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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