Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
