I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
