if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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