That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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