God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I've blown a few things in my day
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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