so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
