Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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