conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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