I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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