I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
