if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
