Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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