his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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