You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
