I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
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