Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize