I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
