You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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