I just pynch a tree in the face
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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