You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
