Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
