In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
