I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
