I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
