Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
