I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
