just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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