woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
