I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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