I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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