her vagina looked like bernie madoff
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize