remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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