someone threw a dead crab at me
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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