I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
