i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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