Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
