Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
