also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
