in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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