God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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