I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
