I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
