Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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