I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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