I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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