Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
