I am spending my child support on dildos
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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