Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
