Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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