Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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