you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
