Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
