I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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