Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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