hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize