If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
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