i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
