it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
