It's like a parade of train wrecks.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize