I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
