It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
The ass gains better be worth it
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