Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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