You're so nebulous sometimes
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
