i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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