I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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